


hugging you

by zhuzhubi



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, Sensory Processing Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26107726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhuzhubi/pseuds/zhuzhubi
Summary: You become the go-to for physical comfort after cases that end badly, or cases that didn’t necessarily end badly, per se, but involved children or were ignored for far too long before the BAU was alerted.Throughout all of this, Reid just watches. It’s not voyueristic or anything like that - you think maybe he’s trying to decide what everyone likes about physical contact with you so much. He never initiates, though, so you don’t push it.Whatever he’s trying to work out in his head, he’s the type of person who likes to explore his thoughts fully before even thinking about sharing them with anyone else, even his closest friends (and it’s definitely been long enough now that you consider each other close friends)
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Character(s), Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 156





	hugging you

**Author's Note:**

> also on tumblr @zhuzhubii

You’ve always been a very tactile person - you were the kid who would hug the teacher goodbye everyday after school, who always wanted to be held and to hold others. That hasn’t changed now that you’re an adult, though it’s generally much less socially acceptable - as you grew older, you had to face the startling reality that teenagers (and later adults) are much less receptive to random hugs than you tend to be. 

You’re good about respecting boundaries now - in fact, you’ve learned to be hyper-aware of them. That’s why you’ve never touched Dr. Spencer Reid beyond the few times you’ve bumped into him by accident. You didn’t even shake his hand when you first met because his no-handshaking reputation is well known throughout the bureau - it’s the second thing that comes up whenever he’s mentioned by someone who’s only met him in passing, after only his remarkable intelligence. 

So when you were accepted for an open position on Unit Chief Hotchner’s team, you already had it in your mind that touching is a no-go with Reid. You waved at him just as he was raising his own hand to do the same and it made him laugh. 

He said _it still amazes me that people outside of my unit know who I am_ , as if he wasn’t a highly esteemed agent on a team with an outstanding solve record. It’s very different meeting someone who does such good work - in both his main career and in academics - and isn’t arrogant or even just _humble_ about it. He’s so _completely unaware_ of how amazing he is.

You notice that although he doesn’t seem to have any issues receiving touch from his close friends -

(most of the time - there have been a few days where he’s stifled flinches when Garcia pats him on the arm or Morgan claps him on the back. Those days always coincide with squinting and jumping at loud noises, though, so you’re pretty sure that it’s an overall sensory sensitivity issue, not just a touch thing. It pains you that these people who have known him for _years_ \- and call themselves _profilers!_ \- haven’t noticed. Because the days where he’s not receptive to touch are blatantly obvious to you)

\- he very rarely, if at all, initiates contact on his own. You think perhaps he’s just _tolerating_ his friends touching him, or feels neutral about it, and so doesn’t feel the need to ask them not to do it. 

Either way, you feel comfortable in your assessment that he doesn’t want you to touch him, and so you don’t. And maybe you like him as more than just a coworker and wish you could express affection to him through touch. But if he’s not comfortable with it, then you aren’t either.

It’s as simple as that.

…

The lack of tactile-ness doesn’t extend to the rest of the team, not in the slightest. Of course, there’s the beginning phase for the first couple months where everyone is still getting to know you, and isn’t quite comfortable with spontaneous hugs or anything like that just yet 

(except for Garcia, who’s arguably just as tactile as you are - she hugs you for the first time just weeks after you join the team, which you think might be a new record for you. It’s easy to settle into spending weekends wrapped up in blankets together on her couch, watching and rewatching Doctor Who and Grey’s Anatomy and Stranger Things)

They all settle into it eventually, though - you always let others initiate the first time, because you don’t want to overstep. You make it clear that friendly touches are welcome, and then just wait. 

Morgan is the second one to go, and it surprises you a little - you had your bets on JJ. He starts with clapping you on the back every so often as he passes by, then nudging or playfully smacking your arm whenever someone makes a joke and he happens to be sitting next to you. 

Then one day, after a particularly harrowing case involving young boys (a topic you get the sense hits a little too close to home for him. You understand Morgan well enough by this point to know that the best course of action is to pretend you’re completely unaware unless he brings it up on his own, so you don’t mention it) he pulls you into a tight hug just before going home, hiding his face as his hands twist in your cardigan. 

JJ ends up being third, so you weren’t too far off after all, then Emily and then Rossi. Even Hotch ends up hugging you a few times - you honestly didn’t think he would, although you can tell he’s a huge softie beneath his stoic exterior. 

You become the go-to for physical comfort after cases that end badly, or cases that didn’t necessarily end _badly_ , per se, but involved children or were ignored for far too long before the BAU was alerted. 

Throughout all of this, Reid just watches. It’s not voyueristic or anything like that - you think maybe he’s trying to decide what everyone likes about physical contact with you so much. He never initiates, though, so you don’t push it. 

Whatever he’s trying to work out in his head, he’s the type of person who likes to explore his thoughts fully before even _thinking_ about sharing them with anyone else, even his closest friends (and it’s definitely been long enough now that you consider each other close friends)

…

The unsub is targeting recovered addicts and you can tell it’s putting Reid on edge - he’s always squirrely whenever drugs come up on a case, and you know it’s another one of _those things_ that you should pretend not to know about unless he brings it up. 

He starts pulling away once the case is over, sitting as far away from everyone else as he conceivably can on the plane, and the rest of the team keeps sending concerned looks in his direction, sharing glances (they obviously know something that you don’t - you have an inkling that Reid’s probably had substance abuse problems in the past, but you also don’t want to make assumptions about something like that) over his head.

Once you get back to Quantico, he hurries straight to his desk, immersing himself in the residual paperwork before anyone has a chance to say anything to him. He’s gradually getting more and more tense, and when JJ goes over to talk to him - trying to offer some kind of comfort, you’re sure - you’re expecting him to yell at her. He doesn’t yell exactly, but he does brush her off with the passive aggression you’ve seen come over him whenever he’s particularly agitated. 

She doesn’t recoil when it happens, which means she was expecting it. Instead, she reaches for his arm and tries to continue talking to him. This time, he snatches his arm back and raises his voice just enough for you to hear -

“Don’t baby me, Jennifer, I can handle it”

“I just want to make sure you’re gonna be okay alone, Spence - “

“Oh, so now you’re concerned? Now? Not when Emily ‘died’ or when…”

\- and then practically hisses the last part, his voice too low and far away for you to hear. He gathers his things, packing them with more force than is strictly necessary, then storms off, keeping his gaze trained straight ahead and refusing to look at any of you.

The rest of the team gathers in a little huddle, sans you because you’re not ‘in the know’ on this particular issue, and you overhear snippets of their discussion -

“Worried about him…”

“…bad case, he’ll be back to his normal self in no time…”

“…how these things are, something like this could - “

“He won’t”

“That’s what I thought when Emily ‘died,’ but then he admitted to…”

“Well…do about it? …on edge right now, if we try to call him or…I dunno, show up at his apartment…”

“Yeah, I know. He’ll just hang up or tell us to leave”

“…I’m just afraid he’ll, you know, r - “

\- and that’s when you resolve to block out their conversation - they’re getting dangerously close to overtly talking about the issue and it’s not something you want to hear from anyone but Spencer himself. You pack your things and head out for the night, leaving the rest of the team discussing Reid’s personal issues behind his back and being rather unsettled by it, actually. 

You love them, but the way they treat Reid is a little weird sometimes - they’re super concerned whenever he’s upset or does something out of character, but they largely ignore his body language and try to placate him with feel good phrases about his experiences making him better at his job. You don’t think they even realize they’re doing it - they’re just jarringly unperceptive when it comes to Spencer Reid.

Maybe that’s why he shows up at _your_ apartment and eleven at night instead of any of theirs. Whatever the reason, he’s here and so you let him in. 

He’s never actually been in your apartment before, so the first thing he does is awkwardly stand in the doorway and look around - it’s the same way he looks around a victim or unsub’s room and profiles them, letting his eyes linger on your personal effects, but you don’t think that’s what he’s doing - rather, you think he’s trying to distract himself.

You motion for him to follow and lead him to the couch, making sure to sit far enough away to maintain his personal space and settling into a comfortable silence. He covers his face with his hands for a second before opening and closing his mouth a few times as if he wants to say something but doesn’t know how to phrase it. 

“Can I have a hug?” he says in the end, staring down at the coffee table as if he’s ashamed of asking for physical comfort.

“Of course you can, Spencer,” you reply, leaning toward him a little and opening your arms - you’re surprised, although maybe you shouldn’t be. You still haven’t been able to fully parse out his relationship with touch over the nearly-a-year that you’ve known him - maybe he actually _does_ like it when his friends touch him casually (and he’s not having a bad sensory day, of course) and he just doesn’t _know how_ to initiate it.

He flinches and at first you think it’s because you’ve started to move closer, but then he says, “Can you not use my first name right now? I promise it’s nothing personal, just…,” he trails off as if he’s not sure whether or not he wants to tell you.

You’re confused, but explanations aren’t the most important thing right now. You gather him in your arms and whisper, “Anything, Reid.”

He sighs into your chest, his fluffy hair tickling your chin as he settles. You stay like that for a while, circling your hands over his back and he curls into you. Eventually, he sucks in a breath and you can tell he’s about to speak.

“I - ,” he cuts himself off, looking down at his fidgeting hands. He takes another deep breath, then starts again, “Using first names reminds me of…of…”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” you say in a neutral tone, making sure he knows it’s completely up to him.

He glances at you and shakes his head, “No, I…I want you to know, I just….okay. Let me say something else first. And don’t think I’m just saying this out of nowhere, or just because I’m upset or something - I’ve really thought about this and I - “

“Reid,” you palm over his arm and interrupt his nervous rambling, “Whatever you’re about to say, I know you’ve thought about it. If anything, you’ve _overthought_ it, so don’t worry about me brushing you off, okay?”

“Okay, okay,” he breathes out, repeating your words to reassure himself, “I…I really like you? I mean like…like _that_ , you know? And I don’t expect anything from you, I don’t…I dunno, want to assume that you feel the same, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable - “

“That doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all - I like you too, Dr. Reid,” you reply, barely containing your surprise at the revelation.

He lets out a shaky, relieved breath and continues, “Then it’s all the more important that I tell you. Um, the case reminded me of…it reminded me of _myself_ , that’s why I’ve been acting so weird about it. I just…I _hate_ that I could see myself in the victims, and that I’m upset that it feels like I can’t ever escape that label,” he pauses and worries at his lip for a second, then spits out, “ _Junkie_.”

You pull him closer as he keeps talking, letting out his frustration with the case (and with _himself_ ), “I’ve been clean for years, but that unsub wouldn’t have cared. And sometimes it just feels like none of it matters - you know people relapse after _decades_ sometimes. No matter how much time passes, or how many meetings I sit through and _confessions_ I force out, I’ll never be the same as before, you know? Before I…just _before_.”

“All of us are the products of our pasts,” you reply, tangling your fingers through his hair, “And I know that’s cliche, but it’s true. That doesn’t mean that everything that happens to us is good, I’m not gonna sit here and tell you to try to find something good that came out of using. 

What it _does_ mean is that we can’t go back and change it, though. We have to deal with the hand we’re dealt, no matter how shitty. We have to learn to accept ourselves as we _are_ , not how we once were or how we might one day be.”

He turns that around in his head, not speaking for a while. When he does, it’s so soft you almost miss it, “Do you know why I came here, instead of going to one of the others?”

You furrow your brow and shake your head.

“It’s because I like you, but it’s more than that too. You weren’t around when I actually did those things - I was _mean_ , you know, I was _horrible_ to them. But they also didn’t do anything to try to help me, and I don’t know…I probably wouldn’t have accepted it anyway. But I spent every day thinking they didn’t _care_. I just wish they would have _tried_ , and I think I’m still subconsciously holding it against them,” he says as he leans his head into your shoulder.

“And here I was thinking it’s because I’m famous for my hugs,” you say, just to lighten the air a little.

It works - he lets out an airy laugh and replies, “and that too, that too.”

You’re not afraid to touch him after that - although he still has days where everything is too much and he the sensation is borderline painful, and of course you give him space on those occasions. 

He’s genuinely receptive to touch, you’ve learned, as long as your hands are clean and he knows you well (which he does). You help him tackle his fear of asking for help, and give him cuddles whenever he wants them, not just after hard cases. It’s not simple at all, but then again, when has anything pertaining to Dr. Spencer Reid ever been simple?


End file.
